it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
