My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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