I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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