he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i now understand why vodka
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
