We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
