The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
