he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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