i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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