Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
