God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
