You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
