Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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