3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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