Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
