Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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