I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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