Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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