I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My breasts were aching with rage.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
