My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
