I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just saw a hot homeless man
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
