My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
