So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
