Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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