you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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