I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
