I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
