dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
