I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
