I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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