my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
well you can't waste a boner
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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