He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
