Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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