Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
