id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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