I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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