She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You ruined the universe
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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