If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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