my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
