I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
