I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
