Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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