I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel great
I just peed on a car
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
