Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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