Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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