Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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