you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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