Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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