Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
