apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
