let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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