I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
