Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
