If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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