chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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