I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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