I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
