Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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