Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
