6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
