GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
