Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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